pemberley & rowe

cold ocean cave

Today I realized I look as hollow as I feel. I’ve lost love. I’ve lost health. I’ve lost myself trying to find myself. It’s like, I was on the road of life and wandered into a cave, and instead of realizing I took a wrong turn and heading back I just kept walking… for six years.

There is so much work to undo, so much pain to face and overcome. I thought I was stronger than that, smarter than that. Most importantly, I thought I had values, morals. They’ve been lost too.

If I were religious, maybe this journey wouldn’t seem as impossible, but as of now it does. I’m sitting here in this dark cold cave all by myself, and I don’t know where to go. I’ve gone down this darkness so long I don’t even know which way leads back to the light. I just want to hear the waves. I can’t believe I’m this alone, but at the same time I’m never alone. If I had twin scimitars and white hair I’d totally be loco-Drizzt (see how much I miss you already? There was 80’s music playing in Forever21 and I started crying. “Take On Me” just got to me)

I’ve given IP a shot twice, and it hasn’t helped. OA hasn’t helped. Medication hasn’t helped. So what will? Maybe nothing external can help. Maybe some diseases need to be purged from the inside out. I’m beginning to fear this will never go away, and if that’s true, I fear I’ll always be too married to myself to marry another. I’ve always felt tired of not “fitting in” and I feel like I’m coming to a point in my life where I don’t have the will within me to try. I wake up every morning hoping I’ll feel connected, and I go to sleep every night disappointed and dismayed. Will there ever be a place, a group of people, an environment that is where I belong? Will I ever just have my friends?

You are my friend, but I can’t just be friends. You were my future, and I feel even more hollow now that it’s gone, which is saying a lot because I didn’t think I could feel any worse than I already do. I hate you, I love you; it seems to be the common theme in my life with everything.

I am a destroyer. We ruin, then we are ruined. Thus is my irony.

but is it my fate? if only i knew.

Venice Adventures

So after three weeks in SoCal, I can say it was a good move. Did I ever think I’d be living in California? Hello no! haha even though I convinced a bunch of people in 7th grade I was moving to L.A., guess I finally did for real.

Today I finally made it to the beach, Venice to be more precise. It wasn’t particularly warm or sunny, but a girl can’t live in Cali and not say she’s been to the beach! So I did :) There was a beautiful yet eerie fog rolling in over the shore; I tried to capture it on film but I just don’t have the camera to do that. I thought I’d post some pictures of my little trip. Check them out here: Venice.

I also picked up some new sunglasses (Ray Ban wannabes, oh yea!) and a lovely pair of vintage Italian Bruno Magli oxfords.

I’m hoping to use this space to blog a little more, and to take pictures. You know, let you all know who life at TOMS and in SoCal are going!

♥ treena

a quick update

I’m going to attempt to actually use this space! ha! Seeing as I have some time now and should really have a creative outlet, I feel it may be in my best interests to write and explore my photography collection some more.

On a final note: it is October. Christmas products should NOT be on shelves yet!

End rant. 

*_*

weekend nod

So far this week hasn’t been the most productive, but I expect that to change this weekend. I really need to start blogging again to get out my emotions and to update on my week, photography and fashion finds. I have so many pictures but nothing to do with them! I definitely need to figure out some kind of online project, but I just don’t know what. I also need to catch up on my homework.

I can’t believe there’s only three weeks left of school. It seems so impossible that’s it’s all ending so soon. Hopefully I will post again this weekend. For now, pretty pictures!

Lovely photo!