Today I realized I look as hollow as I feel. I’ve lost love. I’ve lost health. I’ve lost myself trying to find myself. It’s like, I was on the road of life and wandered into a cave, and instead of realizing I took a wrong turn and heading back I just kept walking… for six years.
There is so much work to undo, so much pain to face and overcome. I thought I was stronger than that, smarter than that. Most importantly, I thought I had values, morals. They’ve been lost too.
If I were religious, maybe this journey wouldn’t seem as impossible, but as of now it does. I’m sitting here in this dark cold cave all by myself, and I don’t know where to go. I’ve gone down this darkness so long I don’t even know which way leads back to the light. I just want to hear the waves. I can’t believe I’m this alone, but at the same time I’m never alone. If I had twin scimitars and white hair I’d totally be loco-Drizzt (see how much I miss you already? There was 80’s music playing in Forever21 and I started crying. “Take On Me” just got to me)
I’ve given IP a shot twice, and it hasn’t helped. OA hasn’t helped. Medication hasn’t helped. So what will? Maybe nothing external can help. Maybe some diseases need to be purged from the inside out. I’m beginning to fear this will never go away, and if that’s true, I fear I’ll always be too married to myself to marry another. I’ve always felt tired of not “fitting in” and I feel like I’m coming to a point in my life where I don’t have the will within me to try. I wake up every morning hoping I’ll feel connected, and I go to sleep every night disappointed and dismayed. Will there ever be a place, a group of people, an environment that is where I belong? Will I ever just have my friends?
You are my friend, but I can’t just be friends. You were my future, and I feel even more hollow now that it’s gone, which is saying a lot because I didn’t think I could feel any worse than I already do. I hate you, I love you; it seems to be the common theme in my life with everything.
I am a destroyer. We ruin, then we are ruined. Thus is my irony.
but is it my fate? if only i knew.